Nothing was planned in my life, and God surprised me with a bunch of wrong people... Well, wrong to me but right to teach life lessons. And then a few outstanding people... Steve, Mark, Maria and Alex. And then the biggest miracle, for Deedee was just that... a miracle that was ongoing for 5 years, defying odds and expectations... Unplanned death has been the highlight of my 40's... Deedee's death shattered me, taking half of who I was into Heaven. Steve's death shattered the half that was left... And it took two years to be able to actually function at work without having an instant emotional response... because I was a hollow body trying to find the answers... The closeness to my best friend was unprecedented and unparalleled by anyone else. We had a symbiotic relationship that was unquestionable. He was my main tool to cope with Deedee's departure. He reminded me everyday of her being SMA free, happy... He would dream of her and tell me her messages. And I would south my soul with those thoughts of Heaven, Deedee smiling, Deedee flying around... Steve's death mean the realization of shifting to being alive but not being really understood. I would think, he would act. I would wish, he would grant. I would doubt, he would confirm. We would fall, but we would rise from the ashes. Friendship was never questioned. Family is never questioned. I'll say jump he'll say how high. I didn't need to explain, he knew. he didn't need to talk, I knew. Our loveliest memories are of just sitting there, having coffee with bread and butter. Saying nothing. Just enjoying the company. Just being. His death, the end of an era...
Connecting, reconnecting with acquaintances... not easy... I looked for my people for so long, that I am tired of looking for them. I took many bullets for them, they ran away without a say. I would like to say I have friends... but I honestly feel I don't. I have noone to call whenever I'm sad. I have noone to call just because... I have tried, but in reality these days no one answers unless it is an appointed date. If I feel I need to say something at 2am, I am fucked. I have noone to talk to. For real. I am lonely, and I feel alone. I have noone to share cups of coffee. I have noone to go with to the mall or to go take a walk in the park. I have no one to tell what happenned in todays chapter of Umbrella Academy, or Harlock. I have noone to understand catchphrases or single words that have paragraphs for meaning. I have noone to check up on me... on how I am doing... for real. And it all hurts... because I spent my youth living in service of people whom I valued more than life... and who sadly didn't see me that same way. I wasted my youth in people who were soul leeches, who didn't improve or help me in any way. I look back and I don't find indpiration on the people... My inspiration is always something I achieved, on my own. Then Deedee happenned... And inspiration became her. God showed me the good in the world through her. I met amazing people because of her. And i got to take away the blinds from my eyes, and experience who people were for real... Some arrived to stay, some just sealed their coffin forever.
Steve was there in my youth... He grew with me. He was there through my college days, and by graduate days, and my work days. He was a constant. He was to be there until the world imploded. We would have coffee and bread each weekend until very old... or until we died. It is true, this became true... We had coffee and bread every weekend until the end, until he died.
It's all different. People are different... People feel different. I am not their priority, but from time to time two constant remain orbiting around... Alex and Maria. They mean the world to me. I know I don't for them... but they do for me... and I have made peace with that. It hurts nevertheless... because I am a friend by appointment... or by circumstance. For me, they are friends rain or shine, and I am there to the best of my ability rain or shine. It may not be enough... Who knows. Maybe that's it. My heart is so broken... My two deaths took a big toll on who I am, what I do, how I feel... I can no longer express anything I feel, because I feel drifting all the time... drifting in the mists...
So that's that for friends. I don't mean much for them, I know I'm an afterthought... But I remember... everything... I admire Marla for her resilience and her will to make a difference. I admire Alex for he has the career I should have had too... I admire Maria because she is an eternal hippie student with endless thirst for knowledge. I admire Adelissa because she built her happiness. I admire Bianca for her ability to move on and reconstruct her life. I admire Ester because her iron will, care and resilience are amazing. I admire Carlos because he seems random but he is deep and hectic. I admire Rafa because he never gives up and has progressed with determination and faith.
I learned the biggest lessons from my biggest dissapointments... the biggest nothings that were so important to me, for so long... I will never understand their betrayals, their hate, their unanswered questions. I will never understand why they chose not to be on my side of the hill. Always bittersweet, scars that run deep and hurt each time there's cold weather. They were never my friends. I am just crossed that it took me so long to understand this... I would have/could have done better in college... I missed so many opportunities because of them. I wasted hours and days and years... This is my only biggest regret: Being blind because of neverending faith and belief.
I stand with my little family, my little tribe. I stand in love, with love. Friends... are a wish... but just lovely falling stars that appear, and glow, and then phase away. I do have love and trust in my husband and in my daughter. This is the fuel for going on even if my heart keeps breaking... At least I do have someone who may not understand me, or be in agreement with me (we have very different views of life)... but that loves me inconditionally.We have grown closer and stronger through the trials of fire, through Deedee's illness and death, through our families not really welcoming us back in the island, through our being homeless and alone in Florida... and surviving... We have reached contempt and certainty that has no worries on lack of trust. And we have a daughter that is loving, compassionate, and a sparkling joy... as well as we have a daughter that shines high in the stars guiding our path.
I just wish we had a pack... I just wish we found a place where we could belong... to just be.
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