Silent grave

I feel drowned. What should be the happiest moments of my life are... contempt... Being a mother has changed nothing of whom I am, of what I expect of life and people... It just has added up to the obligations that I have, to the uncertainties and worries. Where are all the wonders of motherhood? No sleep, no time for anything else, total isolation from the real world, endless confinement... And people smile and say all thee stupid things that are from fairytale land... Ugh! I feel so inadequate for this new lifetime task... I cannot stand the crying, it makes me so anxious... I cannot stand the enslavement for an attention whore 24/7. I have lost my freedom, along with the little joy that friends used to bring me... simply because they cannot visit because of my location, location, location... I'm doubting everything, every choice... I try to look at the facts and at the dreams, but somehow it all is not enough. More than any other time I need so many things that I am not getting, and that by now are clearly phantoms... My loneliness is endless. I see myself as not being able to reach a star that is just inches away. Professionally I'm stuck in a whole that leads to the Abyss... I cannot quit, and finding another job that still pays my bills will be beyond uphill if I stay where I live now. I wanted to start my doctor's degree, but now that's a big hault... The mage has to finish his degree... Now I also have to think I need some additional cash that I am not getting, because of the child... No time to spare. And the whole family deal... I am not convinced it all was the right choice, because of so many differences in thought, in how we view life, in what we consider important, in how we were raised, in our backgrounds and our so-called future... I don't feel the supportive husband, I see this entity of neutrality that always questions me and somehow ends up defending everyone else's point of view but mine. Sometimes it is ok, but so often and in such a degree as to start hurting leaves much food for thought. A year ago ot all was about Spring, renewal, and love that trascended everything. Where is that love now? Packed up, wrapped up and stashed away in a corner... Or was it a big mirage that happenned... and was embraced... and now is destroying us? He doesn't like who I am. He may know me, my so-called thoughts, but he views me as narrow-minded, selfish, and mostly wrong. The same things his mother said just before the wedding is the same crap I've been hearing of late... About me being so negative... about my stupid opbsession with darkness and viewing everything in extremes instead of looking for shades of grey. So... If he doesn't like my mind, what else is there? evidently I am not as attractive to him as I used to be... The remarks and comments about everyone else makes me think twice about what I always wanted from my husband, and reality. And he is the one that has treated me the best... Not doing something but being so open to defend its neutrality and worth for everyone else is just wrong. Yes, it's all about the eye candy in this modern hell we call world, but it all is in the eye of the beholder and sometimes it goes beyond ackward... I wonder what he saw in me in the first place. I am not his type at all. Me, my thoughts, my lifestyle, me goals... Everything is an alien plate he just doesn't like. It all makes me feel so sad... I thought and truly believed it was the oppossite. Once again I was proved wrong, and dissappointment comes in with shining colors. The big difference now is that we are bound, we have a big obligation, and we are stuck with each other because we bound ourselves before God. My blind belief that love can solve anything, conquer anything, fuel everything in life... it has left me dying for eternity. And he... He goes on living a routine, taking me for granted, saying insensitive things that hurt me... And the worst part is that in his mind he nay think it all is fine... His busy life that gets sucked in school, work, his family and baby leaves no space for worrying much about me, or talking with me, or remembering to watch the stars with me... It is much better to play a game in the computer after all... Yup, feels great... My main rival is always a machine, either a PS2 or a computer... Lovely.