Venting 101

Pissed, pissed, pissed... As a group, the efforts to help Deedee are blossoming. As a person I feel completely alone... Why? I feel I'm doing the imporant core stuff by myself, making the mandatory sacrifices, straining myself to the limits... While someone else has to "vent" taking breaks playing on a DS, or on the computer, or renting movies... RENTING! We are in need of funds, and he rents movies... That pushed me off my limits. Me... eating from the dollar menu, getting on the net to contact people to help Deedee and to find out even more about her condition, trying to get help and answers... Him... I dont know. His worrying about the weather being hot, his having to cut his nails, his big concern about his ex and his other daugter not seeing him 9as if he were on a vacation...)... his gaming, even at PICU!!!! Jesus, Hello!!!! Oh, he needs to vent. What about ME? Don't I need to vent? Don't I need an extra pair of helping hands ACTUALLY doing something productive besides crying and whining? I have to talk, I have to make phone calls, I solve every serious stuff, every detail... If he does something is after being pushed, pulled and bothered for long. And always taking his time, never ipso-facto... UGHHH!

I am drained to the extreme. I am tired to the extreme. My head keeps running thoughts, questions, where to get solutions 24/7, I need to sell the house... I need to get Deedee's funding, I need to ensure bills are ok, and that we cann survive anywhere here or in the States... I, I, I... I need to relax/release and have no time to do so. i cannot let the guard down as that leads to BIG PROBLEMS. I have no time for whining, crying, resting, taking it all easy. Deedee don't need that, she needs actions. She needs assertive/pro-activeness. And my batteries are wearing down, because mostly I have moved things on my own. He has been there, but i dont see the support when he is playing on a DS. How can I?

In just a few days it is our wedding anniversary. Our first anniversary. It all makes me go hmmm. Dependable? So-so. Loving? So-so. Lately he snaps at me for telling him what to do/how to behave/what to say/ what he's doing wrong... DAMNIT! He NEEDS to act like an adult to be treated as one. There are places, and THERE ARE PLACES. He doesnt get that. Yes, he's faithful, and has a heart of gold... but those two things are NOT enough when so much must be done and action takes a vacation because of his needs... Right now it cannot be about his needs, or my needs. It is about Deedee's needs. I see I am giving it all to that goal. Is he? The one who is neutral. The one who is always split in two when it comes to family things... because that is how it is... Always split. I cannot say that I am his world, or Deedee... There is always Amanda, there is always the ex, and all the conflicts that it all brings. And in the current situation, split just doesnt cut it. Split means being laxe, not in control, not giving it all.

And so, I always end up feeling alone. No matter who is there, no matter what they do... It seems that is my destiny. With the added bonus that at least now I am alone... with someone who needs me for sure, and who loves me stringlessly... Deedee is my reason to go on. Deedee is my strenght. I wish that things were different, I wish that this could truly be the family I always dreamed of... I never thought that it will all become part of a split deal. That is what this has become. The ex never takes him into account, but in his life he takes everything into account, and sadly the real deal should not be that. Splitting things up as he does will make us end up splitting too... If his actions cannot be 24/7 with Deedee and me, then it will happen sooner or later. It is what I feel deep inside. It saddens me even more than Deedee's illness. For I know she has hope and we will be together always... With him, dear neutral zone who gives no sign of total giving... I just dont know...

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